分手冷知識

　　一對情侶，當交往或同居一段時間，認為彼此「夾」得來時，通常會步入婚姻殿堂，不然便選擇以分手告終。終結這種親密關係可能比離婚更痛苦，因為這不是夫妻關係，社會不太認同，同居情侶從社會得到的支持和諒解較少。

　　通常「分手」的循環都是這樣的：

　　1.不滿：雙方在這段關係已得不到快樂。問題變成分手的證據。

　　2.討論：雙方作出討論，關注問題所在，嘗試解決分歧。

　　3.終結：用盡所有方法都未能解決分歧，終結關係。

　　4.執拾細軟：整理思緒和衣櫃，各行各路。

　　5.新開始：重新適應和調整自己的社會身份，即單身身份。

　　在一段關係中，當一方或雙方發覺關係出現變化時，就是所謂的「轉捩點」。有些情侶因第三者介入而分手，有些則不是。提出分手的一方可能會有些哀痛和內疚，不過最強烈的感覺是「解脫了」。被人拋棄的一方當然會非常傷心，隨之而來的是失望、心碎、極度憤怒。從最初否認到極受打擊，也有可能出現抑鬱和暴力行為。分手可以是痛苦和醜陋，但亦可以是很開明，並且令你成長。

　　分手的原因有很多，最常見的原因如下：

　　‧不平衡/公平的關係：某方全心全意付出而另一方只懂坐享其成。

　　‧顯露真面目：當一段關係成熟後，不太好的「真我個性」漸漸表露在雙方面前，令對方失望。

　　‧知識：外表當然是燃起愛火的其中一個因素，但要與知識並存，才可把戀情延續下去。

　　‧核心價值：雙方最基本的核心價值一定要對等，才可將關係昇華至另一個層次。

　　‧外表吸引力：如雙方的打扮滿不在乎，經常無精打采，就是對自己外表過早鬆懈，某方穿得太「輕便」會對方和令其他人側目 。

　　‧年齡差距：嚴重的年齡差距問題不會在戀情初階段出現，但此問題慢慢會浮現出來。

　　有些女人愛「假裝」分手，以為爭吵後作補救是很浪漫的事，有些女人以「分手」作武器，表示不滿、展示控制力或強逼男方作出某些承諾，以為這樣做可令關係更進一步。事實上，這些方法既無聊幼稚之餘，更有潛在「危機」，因為每一次傷害都會留疤，這些方法只會令對方反抗，令關係更早終結。

　　如果你是結束關係的一方，記住提分手的理據充足，基於事實提分手，而不是因流言蜚語而拋棄對方。在分手前，大家可列一個表，記下他/她的優缺點，認真考量，問問自己和對方分手是公平和合理嗎？如果你最終都是決定分手，就要速戰速決，不要拖泥帶水。分手時要友善和乾淨俐落。

　　如果你是被拋棄的一方，記住要「自重」，不要自我沉淪或再等待。大方地放手吧！當然你可以哭泣、感到憤怒和傷心，但這種狀況維持一至兩星期便要結束，不要無了期繼續沉淪痛苦和失落之中。找些有意義的事做，令自己忙碌一點，走出痛苦的深淵，不要被抑鬱的情緒打倒。

　　－向追隨啟發潛能及管治心理素質之道的「正向心理學」強調「分手」亦有許多好處，生活繼續向前，騰出空間，思考其他更重要的事，例如日後的戀情關係。換言之，大家要從中汲取教訓，盡快從情傷中復原，了解自己更多，開展人生新一頁。

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

Breaking Up

　　When a dating or cohabiting relationship works out, the couple will normally head for marriage. When it doesn’t, they will break up. The termination of such an intimate liaison can be more painful than divorce because these relationships, being non-marital, are less socially recognized and therefore gets less understanding and support from society.

　　The cycle of breaking up usually looks something like this:

　　1.Dissatisfaction –Either party is no longer happy with the status quo. Problems are becoming evident.

　　2.Discussion -Both talk things over, address the problems and try to work out their differences.

　　3.Termination –All rescue attempts to no avail, all solutions exhausted.

　　 4.Tidying Up –Cleaning up memories and closets, going separate ways.

　　5.New Beginning –Re-inventing one’s own social identity, now minus one.

　　There is always a “turning point” in the dynamics of a relationship when either or both parties suddenly realize that it’s over. Some break ups are caused by a third party, some are not. The one who initiates the dissolution of the relationship may feel a bit of pain, a bit of guilt, but mostly a sense of relief. The one who is being “ditched” is the grieving party, reaction may vary from disappointment to hurt to extreme anger, from denial to devastation, from depression to perhaps even violence. It can be bitter and ugly, but it can also be liberating and grows you up.

　　There are many reasons why a relationship fails, the most common are:

　　‧Unequal involvement in the relationship　-One party has been doing most of the giving and the other, the taking.

　　‧True Colour –as the relationship matures, other latent characteristics of a  partner’s personality are beginning to surface, and such revelations are disappointing.

　　‧Intelligence – Appearance is important to ignite a relationship, but intellectual compatibility is required to sustain it.

　　‧Core Values – The fundamental core values have to be congruent before the relationship can move forward to the next level.

　　‧Physical Attractiveness – Either party becomes lackadaisical with appearances, letting go too soon. One person’s “comfort” is becoming irksome to the other.

　　‧Age Difference – Serious age differences not noticeable during the initial phase of a relationship are slowly becoming apparent .

　　Some women like to “feign” break ups, thinking the make-up after a fight is ever so romantic. Others use it as a tactic to stamp feet, display displeasure, to exert control or to force the man into commitment of sorts thereby bringing the relationship to the next level. In fact, this kind of game is juvenile and outright dangerous because every cut leaves a scar, such games could well backfire and push for an early demise of a relationship instead.

　　If you are the one ending a relationship, make sure your reasons are valid, and your decision is based on facts and not hearsays or conjecture. Write down a list of all his/her merits and faults ,take a good hard look and ask yourself if you are being fair and reasonable? If you then con-clude this is so, end it quickly and properly, do not drag it out. Be kind, clean and charitable.

　　If you are the one being ditched, sustain your self -respect, do not grovel, do not try to hang on. Let go graciously. Sure you can cry, feel angry and hurt, let it all out for a week or two, but do not wallow in misery for any extended period of time. Engage in some busy and meaningful project immediately, get out from the abyss of grief and do not succumb to depression.

　　Positive psychology in fact stresses the up-side to breakups. Releasing the relationship and the person from the mind and daily thoughts allocates more space to think about other important things, including future relationships. In other words, learn from your mistakes, heal quickly. Get hold of yourself and start a new life.