別讓寶寶破壞婚姻

　　新生命的誕生對整個家庭而言絕對是件值得欣喜的事，但要緊記重要的一點：沉浸於孩子誕生的喜樂之時，切勿忽視一些非常現實的問題。

　　Dr. John Gottman夫婦用了13年的時間研究養育嬰兒對婚姻的影響，並有驚人的發現，63%的夫妻在寶寶出生的頭3年間幾乎步向離婚。母親會於嬰兒出生的頭4個月感到沮喪，父親則於第9個月至2年間出現同類情況。小孩滿3歲前，婚姻關係最不穩定，易趨向破裂。

　　我們不妨先了解原因，再看看有何解決辦法。

睡眠不足

　　於戰事中，剝奪睡眠時間是一種折磨。它的可怕在於令一個人喪失意志。夫妻二人因同時被剝奪睡眠時間而疲累、脾氣失控、憤怒，以致互相厭棄對方。

　　打開天窗說亮話是非常重要的。坦誠自己的難處，互相支持，並學會先照顧自己的身體與心靈所需。除了以上種種，切勿以個人的角度看事情。當有一方遷怒於另一方，要明白問題非出於對方身上，只是對方休息不足，甚至未有休息。

失去專注力

　　必須正視女性患上產後抑鬱症的問題，尋求專業的照料。切忌將問題擱置，以為此症會隨時間自我療癒。

　　大部分的夫妻都未能察覺自己過分花費心神照料初生小孩。事實上，另一半的觀感很容易因而蒙上陰霾。隨之而來就是感到被遺忘或地位不保。忽略對方往往播下更多怨恨的種子。

改變，改變，再改變

　　產後的女性會開始增磅，但她們未有時間及精力經營個人魅力，在丈夫看來，眼前的女人已失去當日吸引他的外觀。為避免有親密的接觸，妻子開始找藉口，丈夫的性欲亦漸減。一箱箱的尿片取代了昔日的鮮花；往日的蠟燭芳香換上嬰兒的奶羶味。屋子混亂不堪，對家中伴侶，情話難言；對朋友，再難聚頭，因而過著苦悶的生活。

意見分歧

　　夫妻間討論為人父母的哲理是非常普遍的，但想與做永遠是兩回事。因為你已建立了自己的一套育兒風格，更要投放更多的耐性與自由予伴侶，尋找他的風格。雙方的父母對育兒亦有個人的見解，並會主動提供他們的想法。若你們需要他們幫忙帶孩子，情況會變得更複雜。可嘗試在尊重的基礎下表達所需，並定下底線，但記緊要多表示欣賞及做好讓步的準備。

分工

　　儘管在未育兒前，夫妻間建有多平等的關係，女性早被設定為最主要的看顧者角色。外出工作的一方理所當然地想在家的一方有充裕的時間打掃、煮飯及肩負起其他家中雜務，可是，事實是照顧孩子的工作量往往比全職上班者更多。因此多去欣賞伴侶的努力和付出是需要的。

再墜愛河

　　不要因問題與對方漸行漸遠，相反要製造更多的機會把對方拉回來。新生命的出現是夫妻結合的最好見證，應循此把最初的相戀感覺追溯回來。

　　成了家，你們現在有更多的理由展望與伴侶執手偕老的未來吧！

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

Don’t Let Your Baby Ruin Your Marriage

　　Having a baby is such a delightful blessing the entire family is usually overjoyed! It is essential that one does not lose sight of some very practical problems while basking in euphoria.

　　Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman, the husband and wife team of The Gottman Institute in Seattle spent 13 years studying the impact a new baby has on a marriage. Their incredible findings were: 67% of couples come close to divorce during the first 3 years of a new baby’s life. Mothers are usually unhappy in the first 4 months, whereas new fathers are mostly unhappy from between 9 months to 2 years of a baby’s life. By the time the child is 3, the marriage disintegrates.

　　Let’s look at some common reasons and their best solutions:

1. Lack of Sleep

　　Sleep deprivation was used as a form of torture in warfare, that is how powerful it is in breaking somebody down. Two parents consistently deprived of sleep will feel tired, cranky, irritable – a perfect recipe for resentment. 

　　It is therefore vital to keep the lines of communication open. Talk about your challenges, support each other and learn to take care of your own physical and mental well being FIRST. Above all, don’t take things too personally. When one party snaps at the other, understand this is not about you, it happens when one gets little or no rest.

2. Loss of Focus

　　If the woman is suffering from postpartum depression, treat this seriously, properly and have it looked after professionally. Don’t just shrug it off. Allow her healing time.

　　It is usually impossible for most couples to envisage just how intense their focus on the new baby will be. In fact, it is so strong that it may overshadow the couple’s feelings for each other. What follows is that one spouse begins to feel left out or relegated. Neglect sows the seeds for more resentment.

3. Changes, Changes, Changes

　　The woman begins to gain weight, she has neither the time nor the energy for glamour… She is no longer as physically attractive to him as she once was. She finds excuses to avoid intimacy and his libido begins to wane. Where there used to be freshly cut flowers now sit stacks of diapers…The smell of candles now substituted by regurgitated milk… The house is a mess… you hardly talk to each other or hang out with friends any more… Life has become boring…

4. Differences of opinion

　　Many couples talk about parenting philosophies before the baby arrives, but there is a huge difference between theory and practice. As you develop your own parenting style, be patient & allow your spouse the freedom and flexibility to find his/her own. Both sets of in-laws have their ideas about child-rearing too, often unsolicited – it gets even more complicated if you need their babysitting service. Try communicating your needs respectfully and set boundaries, but remember to show appreciation and be ready for compromises.

5. Division of labor

　　Women often assume the role of primary caregiver, even in households that were previously more egalitarian. The working partner often perceives that the stay home partner has plenty of time to clean, cook, and take care of other household chores, but the reality is that caring for a baby is much worse than most full-time jobs, so it's important that partners take time to recognize the efforts each puts in.

6.  (Re)falling in love

　　Instead of allowing problems to grow you apart, use this opportunity to grow closer to your spouse. The way the baby melds the best of both of you will help you remember what made you fall in love with each other in the first place.

　　As a family, you now have more reason to look forward to a glorious life together ahead.