一眼愛上你？

　　一些愛情專家公開表示，當一個人的目光聚焦異性超過8秒，這就是一見鍾情。更有其他專家視回頭望、目瞪口呆、心不在焉等為中了愛情之箭的特徵，亦有人計算血壓及心跳頻率等等。不過，無論以甚麼方法界定，究竟一見鍾情是否真的存在？

　　我不認為存在。我們不會單單看到了一個人便愛上他，也即是Bertrand Russell 提出的「通過了解認識」(knowledge by acquaintance)。在愛上一個人前，我們會透過一定的方式去了解他。方式可來自外在行為，如他對你說的話語、情緒、及態度表現；又可來自聽覺，如他的聲線，活動的節奏，又或是他的氣味；更可以是觸覺，如跟他相擁時的觸感，他的臂彎包圍你雙肩的感覺；亦可以來自味覺，比如一個吻的味道。不是非要集齊以上各種才叫「一見鍾情」，可是，認識一個人非單憑視覺感知，我們不只有身體，更有思想、性格及靈魂。

　　質疑者可能會分享他們「一見鍾情」的親身經歷，並保證這種特殊情感的存在是具爭議性的，但研究已證明這種感情難以保鮮。德克薩斯州大學奧斯汀分校的人類生態學及心理學教授Ted Huston花了很長時間研究求愛與婚姻關係，由1981年起，他所參與的「PAIR Project」定期監察168個新婚者的感情狀況達14年。結果顯示，「一見鍾情」或倉促結婚的感情關係較難長久。人類是需要時間建立關係及互為了解，這個過程是急進不來的。

　　很多人會混淆「愛情」與「迷戀」。雖然兩者對戀上的對象均有非常強烈的感覺，但他們的分別在於現實性、情感強度及結果。「迷戀」是完全被無理、耗費的熱情牽著走，感覺來得快，並多是純粹基於外表而生。這種感覺經常出現於以性吸引力為中心的關係展開之初。「愛情」則是以時間滋長，是完全盲目的，及不全然受外表所影響。迷戀是希望從對方身上取得愉悅感的性慾，愛情則植根於安穩的感覺及信任所帶來的快樂。

　　現代女性能力愈來愈高，她們獨立、聰明，大部分更是經濟獨立。這種情況打破了傳統上狩獵者及採集者在性別上的角色，但很多男人仍潛在著要保護弱小異性的渴望。陷入困難，並會要求男人伸出援手的年輕少女因而渴市。男人會把自己視為帶刀披甲的騎士，她能滿足的他的自尊心，把他的男子氣概膨脹至前所未有的地步。他因此屈服，誤以為自己能輕易駕馭她、保護她、支持她是愛的表現，一錯再錯。愛不是一項救援任務，展開一段不平等的關係。真愛是在互相尊重下建立的健康情感，英雄與待救者的感情是憐憫，不令人自豪，又怎能期待這種關係會長久？

　　我們生活在步伐急速的香港，光陰寸金，講求效率，故很多人選擇相信「一見鍾情」。很抱歉要令你失望，但愛情路上並沒有捷徑。培養一段關係需要時間、耐性及努力，願意對愛情投放自然終有收成正果的一天。

 （按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

Love At First Sight

　　Some love gurus openly proclaim that when one’s gaze is fixated on an opposite sex for more than eight seconds, this is “love at first sight”. Others consider the turning of the head, dropping of the jaw, or running into a tree as signs of being “love struck”, still others measure blood pressure or count palpitation …whatever the method or interpretation, does love at first sight really exist?

　　I say not. We do not simply see others and then, love them. There is what Bertrand Russell called, “knowledge by acquaintance.” We are directly acquainted with others in certain ways before we come to love them. Such acquaintance can be cognitive (what he says to you, and what emotions and attitudes he expresses); auditory (his tone of voice; kinesthetic (the way he moves); olfactory (his smell); tactile (how he feels such as in a bear hug, his arms around your shoulder); and even gustatory (as in the “taste” of his kiss). This does not mean that all such types of acquaintance are requisite to “love at first sight”; however, this knowledge cannot meaningfully be restricted to the visual perception alone. We do not only have bodies, we have minds, personalities and souls as well.

　　Skeptics may argue that they have personally experienced love at first sight, and granted that such emotions’ existence may be debatable, research has proven that it is clearly not durable. Ted Huston, the professor of Human Ecology and Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin was the Principal Investigator of the PAIR Project. This project was a long term study of courtship and marriage that began in 1981 with 168 newlyweds who were followed and monitored on a regular basis for a period of 14 years. The conclusion was that “Love at First Sight” or marriages-in-a-hurry seldom last. Human beings need time to build bonds and to establish mutual understanding, this is not a process that can be rushed.

　　Many people are confused by “love” and “infatuation”. While both are intense emotions that one feels for another person, they differ in their actuality, intensity and final outcome. Infatua-tion is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning, wasteful passion, it happens quickly and is often based purely on physical appearance. It usually occurs at the beginning of a relationship when sexual attraction is central. Whereas love takes time to grow, is completely blind and is not at all affected by physical attraction. Just as infatuation is a sexual desire to get pleasure for oneself, the root of love is a feeling of comfort and trust that gives happiness to the other person.

　　Modern women are becoming increasingly strong, they are independent, intelligent and mostly financially self sufficient. This phenomenon has rendered the traditional hunter and gatherer gender roles somewhat futile and many  men do have this latent yearning to profess  manhood by  “protecting” the weaker sex. This makes the occasional damsel in distress who runs to him for help most appealing. He sees himself as the knight in shining armour, she feeds his ego and boosts his manhood to such proportion that more often than not, he succumbs and misinterprets his eagerness to mentor her, protect her, support her as signs of “love”. Wrong again. Love should not be a rescue mission as that renders the relationship unbalanced from the start. True love should be a healthy emotion of mutual respect, the sentiment between the hero and the rescued is one of compassion and not of pride . How can that be resilient?

　　We live life on the fast lane in Hong Kong where time counts and efficiency matters. That is why many people want to believe in ”Love at First Sight”. Sorry to disappoint, but there is really is no quick fix on the love front. You have to put in your time, patience and effort to nurture a relationship,  your return on investment will be well worth your while.