愛情不需點火

　　有些人認為情侶間的爭執是無可避免的，甚至是有益的，能夠使彼此加深了解，釐清分歧，並鞏固關係。有人以爭執為權力鬥爭中的槓桿，用來獲取注意，煽動罪惡感，宣示主權，或達到目的。一些人甚至為重燃熱情而製造爭端。

　　在我而言，最好的方法是沒有爭執。強化關係的方法有很多，不需惹起爭執來達到目的。一些人如H.G.Wells，當然有可能不同意。在他的《The Pleasure of Quarrelling》中，「爭執是清淨的，它擺脫掉泛濫的緊張情緒，使脈搏加快，呼吸加速，又改善消化。然後它激活了呆滯的腦袋，加速想像。它撥開思維中的陰霾，如雷鳴轟天。最後，它又是身體的自然運作……」

　　有意思又有趣，但我難以認同。Wells大有可能是想起莎士比亞（Shakespeare）或奧斯卡•王爾德（Oscar Wilde）。確實，兩次最堂皇的爭執大抵發生在《凱撒大帝》中的Brutus和Cassius間，以及《不可兒戲》中的Gwendolen Fairfax 及Cecily Cardew間。Cassius前來找Brutus，滿腔怨憤，欲挑起爭端。「最尊貴的兄弟，你有負於我。」；Gwendolen帶同磨利的匕首前來，做好摧毀對手的打算，「Cecily Cardew？多動聽的名字！有些事情告訴我，我們將要成為要好的朋友。我對你我喜愛超於言語所能表達。」他們把謾罵過濾，表現合乎禮節。可是別跟自己開玩笑，今天大多數的爭執不始於咒罵，也始於責難。

　　有時醜惡的真相定要被揭示。高尚品行的根本是勇氣與真實，任何評論隱含的意思中若缺少了以上其中一者，是對被貶者的嚴重冒犯，並必會燃起爭端。要數最無知的或是以刺耳的、侮辱的方式說話，尤其配以特定的「眼神」或「腔調」。過後，說出的話或會被原諒，但難以抹掉，亦難以重修舊好。

　　事實上，你永遠不能收回氣憤時吐出的惡言，在你的憤怒平息過後，仇恨還在繼續滋長。每次的爭執，不論大小，也會撕出感情的裂縫。磨損與撕裂日積月累威脅關係的持續性。到了一天，當一切完結，你獨自坐在那裏，回想發生何事？你可能會追溯至多年前的一次爭執，及隨之而來的衝突，因為爭執可形成習慣。正如衝突會破壞關係，把憤怒埋藏下來具同樣破壞力，甚至更可怕。因此，若果下次跟伴侶起了衝突，你可試試跟隨以下原則去爭吵：

何時

　　選適當的時間

　　套用對等時間原則：說10分鐘的話，聽10分鐘的話。

何地

　　永遠不要在公眾場所

　　不要選他感到不自在的地方

如何

　壓低聲量

　抑制肢體動作

何事

　　集中於現有的事實

　　不要以分手或離婚為最後通牒

為何

　　你真的想各走各路？

　　或你只想為更安穩的將來，釐清分歧，同舟共濟？

　　每當我遷怒於我的丈夫，我會跟他說：「你對你感到氣憤，現在不想跟你說話。在我平靜下來前，不要跟我說話，並不要走近我！」這個方法對我起到不錯的效果，你也不妨一試。

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

Quarrelling

　　Some say arguments between partners are inevitable, even healthy…. that a good row can deepen understanding, clear the air, and enhance relationships. Some use quarrels as a leverage in a power struggle… to draw attention … to incite guilt… to stake a claim… or as a means to an end. Some even pick fights just to rekindle the passion of making up again….

　　In my opinion, the best way to have a quarrel is not to have one. There are so many ways to augment a relationship you don’t really need a quarrel to do the job. Some like H.G.Wells, may disagree of course. According to his “The Pleasure of Quarrelling”,  “it is hygienic to quarrel, it disengages floods of nervous energy, the pulse quickens, the breathing is accelerated, the digestion improved. Then it sets one's stagnant brains astir and quickens the imagination; it clears the mind of vapours, as thunder clears the air. And, finally, it is a natural function of the body…”

　　Interesting and amusing, but I beg to differ. Wells was probably thinking of Shakespeare or Oscar Wilde. Indeed, two of the most magnificent quarrels were probably that between Brutus and Cassius in  Julius Caesar, and that of Gwendolen Fairfax and Cecily Cardew in The Importance of Being Earnest. Cassius comes looking for Brutus, full of grievances, spoiling for a fight. “Most noble brother, you have done me wrong.”  Gwendolen comes with daggers sharpened, fully intending to obliterate her rival: “Cecily Cardew? What a very sweet name! Something tells me that we are going to be great friends. I like you more than I can say.” People were refine then and they behaved with decorum . But let’s not kid ourselves, most quarrels today will probably start with condemnations if not expletives.

　　Ugly truths must sometimes be told. Courage and truthfulness being the foundations of respectable character, any remark which insinuates a lack of either is a dire offence to anyone not wholly debased and is a sure provocative of quarrel. The most innocent thing may be said in such a way as to rasp and humiliate, particularly if it is accompanied by a certain “look” or “tone”…Then words spoken may be forgiven but hardly forgotten, and the relationship is seldom quite as it was before.

　　The truth is, you can never take back venomous words you have spewed out in anger, and the rancor continues to ferment long after your anger has subsided. Every quarrel, no matter big or small, tears a little at the fabric of your relationships. It is an accumu-ation of such wear and tear that eventually threatens sustainability. One day, when it is all over and you sit there alone, wondering what had happened? you may trace it back to a quarrel which started  years ago…followed by many more thereafter, because quarrelling can become habit forming. Just as explosive encounters are damaging to relationships, internalizing one’s anger is equally destructive if not worse. So if you have to confront your partner in a showdown next time, try following these rules:

When

　　- Pick the right moment

　　- Equal time rule applies: you talk for 10 minutes, you listen for 10 minutes

Where

　　- Never in public

　　- Not anywhere which makes him feel uncomfortable

How

　　- Keep your voice down

　　- Refrain from being physical

What

　　- Stick only to factual content of the present

　　- Never use break up or divorce as an ultimatum

Why

　　- Do you really  want to part your ways?

　　- Or you only want to clear the air for smoother sails ahead?

　　When I am very angry with my husband, I’d say to him, “ I am furious with you and I don’t want to speak to you now. Don’t talk to me and don’t come near me until I have calmed down !” This method has served me well, you may wish to try it someday.